


That The Nights Were Mainly Made For Saying Things That You Can't Say Tomorrow Day

by our_winter



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 13:56:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4140306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/our_winter/pseuds/our_winter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You were dreaming about me.”</p><p>That seems to push all the air out of Ronan, his eyes going wide for a moment before he rearranges his face in his neutral mask.</p><p>“So eager to be in my dreams Parrish? Dangerous place.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	That The Nights Were Mainly Made For Saying Things That You Can't Say Tomorrow Day

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the same story from before but I corrected my mistakes and have my beautiful Nu as my beta.

_The trees leaves waves quietly around Ronan, the ancient beings whispering in a murmur of Latin too low for him to understand, the sun is warm against his skin, by his peripheral vision he can see the chest by his side rise and fall calmly._

_“What are you doing in my dream?”_

_“You are the one who brought me here Lynch.”_

_Ronan could feel the smile tugging at Adam’s lips, he prop himself into one elbow and looks down into Adam’s blue blue eyes, his lips slightly curled in the corners, he let his fingers trace Adam’s face slowly savoring his own lie. Adam is looking back at him, his eyes warm and affectionate, he has a small smile tugging the corners of his mouth and the tips of his fingers are tracing slowly Ronan’s tattoo, from his shoulder to his nape and back, the touch sending shivers through his body, Adam’s hand come to rest at Ronan’s cheek and he closes his eyes leaning in the touch, his lips curving in a sad smile._

_“This is_ _the only place where you look at me this way.”_

_“But you’re always looking at me this way.” Adam brushes his nose against Ronan’s._

_“Because I’m an idiot, Adam” That. That was something Ronan allowed himself only in his dreams, saying Adam’s name, letting the name slip through his lips like a pray. Not like when he says his surname, like Adam didn’t mean the world to him._

_“Yeah?” Adam’s voice is barely there, just a whisper against Ronan’s lips._

_Suddenly he feels a warmth against his chest, Adam’s face contorted in a mask of pain, his mouth hanging into a surprised O._

_“Adam?” Ronan’s brows furrows, he looks down at Adam’s chest and his breath catches in his throat, his eyes go wide as panic kicks in his chest. “Adam? Adam!” He shake Adam’s shoulders, his hands are wet with blood now, Adam’s blood. Adam gasps, choking in his own blood and then he stops his blue eyes staring directly into Ronan’s without life, the usual shine of intelligence nowhere to be seen, his skin cool against Ronan’s. Ronan take the lifeless body into his arms, holding Adam tightly against his chest, tears running down his cheeks, he presses his lips in Adam’s forehead. “No, no, no. Don’t do this to me. Adam!”_

Ronan sat up with a gasp, his eyes darting from the ceiling to the sleeping form beside him. Adam is sleeping quietly in his mattress a few inches from Ronan, his breath even, Ronan could feel all his body shake, a scream ready to jump out of his throat the moment his lips parted. He put his hand into Adam’s to make sure he was still alive, to feel the warmth of his skin, to make sure the magic is still running in his veins, what he didn’t expect is to Adam close his fingers around Ronan’s and don’t let go. He sat cross legged beside Adam’s mattress, his body singing with the feeling of Adam’s hand in his and Ronan thanks God with all his faith in that moment that he had fallen asleep in Adam’s floor that night, not that he had slept very much in his room at Monmouth recently. He stares openly now to the boy he loves and who would never love him back, these little moments were what Ronan lived for, the moments when he could touch and look at Adam without the fear to be caught; the elegant lines of the boy’s face softened in his sleep, a little of his exhaustion gone now, his lips barely parted, his hair falling in his forehead and Ronan brushes the sand colored strands away with his free hand, puling the sheets up Adam’s body. Ronan’s heart squeezes in his chest, he could give the world to this boy, could happily give his dreams and his life, could put his heart at Adam’s feet. But why Adam would want him? His dream was just another prove that he is not allowed to want this boy, to want his warmth, and his smiles, his gaze and his touches. Adam would never want Ronan back, and he was just a fucking masochist staying around, sleeping at the boy’s floor, looking too long at his face and wishing he would look back at Ronan the same way. Adam was not going to stay by his side, and why would he? Ronan was too sharp, he drives too fast and dreams too much, he destroys everything he touches.

So he steals this quiet moment for himself, to feel Adam’s hand in his own, to look at his features openly, to not have to mask his face into a calculate look of disinterest; stole this moment to not have to lie to himself, to let show how much he loves this boy. He could look at Adam for the rest of his life, but he could never dream him, he could never dream something as beautiful as Adam Parrish.

The alarm in Adam’s makeshift table went off and Ronan almost jump out of his skin, he takes his hand out of Adam’s a moment before the other’s blue eyes fly open, he looks sleepily at Ronan for a moment and Ronan couldn’t stop himself from thinking how his life could be if Adam looked at him that way and smiled in the morning before leaning in to brush his lips against Ronan’s.

“Fuck Parrish, your snoring woke me up.”

He says and stands up, Adam frowns clenching and unclenching his hand, looking at it like that was a new part of his body. He must feel disgusted of the feeling of Ronan’s hand in his, Ronan’s stomach fell into a hole, he thinks he’s going to throw up, his head spinning. Fuck. This  _hurts._

“Don’t lie to me.”

His voice is thick with sleep, letting his Henrietta accent shows and Ronan can’t stop himself from  _wanting._  He can’t have him, he knows he can’t but that doesn’t make any easier to not want. He feels so tired, like he hasn’t slept in weeks, what he hasn’t. Most of the nights he try to forget, he drives or drowns himself in alcohol till he can’t feel nothing anymore, till his mind is a low buzz in the back of his head.

“I don’t lie.”

“You just did. Why were you holding my hand?”

Ronan’s heart skips a beat in his chest, his throat clenching for just a moment before he composes himself back, faster than a blink.

“Just checking if you were not dead.” He shrugs.

Adam seems to see in Ronan’s eyes that something is wrong.  _Dammit Parrish, why do_ _you need to be always so observant?_

“Ronan, what’s wrong?”

He can see the concern in Adam’s face, almost like he really cares. Ronan doesn’t need his concern, he needs to feel that he is still alive and breathing, that he is still here.

“Just a fucking nightmare Parrish, there’s nothing you can do.”

Ronan see in Adam’s eyes that he knew that was more than that, that something is shaking Ronan deeply, that he needs to stay around Adam even if he doesn’t admit it.

“Can you give me a ride to work?” The boy asks while walking to the bathroom.

“What you think I’m, your fucking driver?”

But they both know he will.

 

 

Ronan stops by the cafe and comes out with two cups and a box of croissants, he sets the food at Adam’s lap.

“I didn’t ask for anything.” Adam protests the moment Ronan puts the coffee in his hand.

“No? I could swear I heard you say you wanted one. But it’s your choice you eat it or it will go to the trash.”

Ronan turns the BMW on and drives out of the parking lot. He know that if he doesn’t give that to Adam the idiot would spend his entire day with nothing in his stomach. In the end, he wins when Adam picks one of the croissants out of the box and start giving small bites at the warm food. He stops out of the trailer factory, turning off his engine and taking a shot of his coffee. Ronan knows Adam’s shifts by heart now and knows he has five minutes before he would have to go in. They stay in silence for a minute, Ronan studying Adam by the corner of his eyes and pretending he was not doing that at all, Adam staring to nowhere lost in his own thoughts till his head spin around and he looks Ronan right in the eyes. For a moment is like he was going to say something, his eyes searching Ronan’s face and that seems to change his mind, then with a voice that Ronan never heard directioned to himself,he says:

“It’s just a nightmare Ronan, even if it’s yours.”

Ronan wants to say that that was too real, that the sensation of Adam’s cold and lifeless body is crawling his skin, his blue dead eyes looking right into Ronan’s and nor seeing him was going to hunt him for the rest of his days. That hurt too much to know he was not allowed to even dream Adam now, that he would live by stole glances and only this. Ronan didn’t know he could lose something he never had.

“You’re going to be late.”

He says like that doesn’t matter, like he doesn’t want Adam to stay in his car forever, like he could lost the warmth that was coming from the other body that in that moment was the only thing really keeping Ronan sane. But like always, he pretends to not be interested. Adam looks at him for a long moment before sighing and getting out of the car.

“See you later.”

In answer Ronan just turn on the murder squash song and drives out of there. He doesn’t see Adam’s eyes following him and doesn’t hear Cabeswater saying:  _Non te Greywaren solus._

_Don’t leave the Greywaren alone._

 

 

 

***

 _Adam can feel warm hands on his face, on his arms, on his hands. Comforting and slightly familiar. He feels_ _safe like he never had before and something like hope is spreading in his chest. His vision is like glimpses of sunlight, everything gold and shining, a peace of bare tattooed shoulder, warm blue eyes, a sharp smile. Then there is fear, completely horror and the most powerful feeling of loss he had ever felt._

_Greywaren. Greywaren. Greywaren._

Adam sits with a gasp, Cabeswater voices still whispering in his deaf ear, he blinks slowly in the dark trying to understand why is so important for Cabeswater to him to be awake. Then he hears it, a quietly moan, skin sliding against wood, a quickly breath. Looking to his side he sees Ronan trembling, his whole body shivering, his face contorted in pain. Adam rolls to the side of his mattress and put his hands in the warm skin of Ronan’s shoulders shaking him awake.

“Ronan. Ronan, wake up.”

Ronan’s eyes shot open, his pupils dilated and full of horror, his breath coming in gasps, his gaze wandering through the room before setting upon Adam’s face.

“Adam.” He whispers sending a shiver through Adam’s spine. Ronan never call him by his first name, never. The boy’s eyes softening for a moment before he pulled himself away from Adam’s grasp and sat up with his back against the wall. “What the fuck Parrish?”

Ronan is shaken just like that morning almost two weeks ago, the last time he had slept at Adam’s floor. His eyes silent searching Adam’s body just like he had the last time. Adam sat heavily against his mattress and looks right into Ronan’s eyes.

“Another nightmare?”

“What the hell you have to do with it?”

“Since you keep waking me up with them.”

“Sorry, Parrish, I will not sleep in your shit floor anymore.” Ronan stands and heads to put his boots on.

“You can talk with me if you want.” Adam says tentatively standing as well, the thought of Ronan driving alone shaken like that terrified Adam more than he would like to admit.

“Sure, Parrish.” He is lacing his boots when Adam puts a hand on his shoulder, Ronan jerks back like he had been burned. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

He looks like a wounded animal, with his teeth bared and read to fight till his last breath. Adam let out a long breath.

“You were dreaming about me.”

That seems to push all the air out of Ronan, his eyes going wide for a moment before he rearranges his face in his neutral mask.

“So eager to be in my dreams Parrish? Dangerous place.” Ronan replies sarcastically while heading to the door.

“Cabeswater showed me.”

Ronan stops dead in his tracks, his hand squeezing the door handle.

“That fucking forest can’t mind its own business.”

“Cabeswater is worried about you.”

“I don’t need a forest fucking pity!” He hisses.

Ronan looks like he is going to collapse at any moment and Adam approaches him again, putting his hand carefully on his shaking shoulder, he tenses under Adam’s touch, but doesn’tpull away this time.

“I told you to not fucking touch me, Parrish.” His voice is weak and luckily he is in the side of Adam’s good ear.

“Ronan.” Adam slid his hand from Ronan’s shoulder to the side of his face and tilts it towards him. The other boy’s eyes are closed, his lips tightly pressed against one another. “Look at me.” He says softly.

A minute or an hour latter Ronan’s eyelids fly slowly open. Only now Adam could see the dark circles under Ronan’s eyes, how he looks more tired than ever, the usually sharp lines of his face shows just hopelessness. He looks at Adam like Adam could save him, like the other boy is the only thing in the world who could sooth the pain trapped inside him and at the same time like Adam is the only one who are hurting him.

“Talk with me.” Adam pleads in a low voice.

Ronan look at him for a long moment before he shook his head, steading himself and taking a step away. Adam feels the distance between them like a cold wall.

“It’s better if you stay away from this mess Parrish.”

“My hands are always dirt anyway.” He says tentatively, Ronan’s lips curl slightly in the corners but he stays silently. When Adam feels he is not going to get any answer he says. “You said my name before.” He doesn’t know where he was going with this, but that seems important.

“I say your name all the time.”

“No. You called me  _Adam._ ”

His heart beats ten times before Ronan’s answer.

“Didn’t know that is forbidden.”

_It’s when makes me feel that way._

The silence is heavy between them, neither knowing what to say next, words seemed too dangerous.

“I want to hear it again.”

Adam’s voice is barely there, like he didn’t want Ronan to hear him, but he did. Adam see the flash of pain cross his eyes, how desperately he wants to run away from him, Adam is hurting him even if he didn’t know how. He takes a step closer and raises his hand, Ronan catches his wrist and pins Adam against the door, keeping one hand above his head and the other trapped by his side. He can feel Ronan’s entire body against his again, his breath warm against Adam’s face, he smells like leather, Cabeswater and the Barns fay. Adam looks right into his blue eyes and sees that Ronan needs as much human comfort as he. He who just know hands who bruise and inflict pain, and Ronan who have hands strong enough to break bones but would never hurt Adam, who hold Adam firmly in the place but with a gentle grip, the same way he cradles Chainsaw.

All this is new to Adam, the sparkles where Ronan’s skin touches his own, this feeling of always wanting more and more. Adam knows what it is to want something, knew the feeling his entire life but he doesn’t know what is like to be  _wanted_  and the look in Ronan’s eyes told him that Ronan wanted all of him, a desire burning in his eyes like a forest on fire. Adam tilts his head a little so he is able to lock his eyes with the taller boy.

“Say it.” He whispers.

A moment or maybe an eternity later Ronan says, his lips ghosting over Adam’s.

“Adam.”

And he says it like a pray, like Adam is his salvation and his damnation. A shiver runs through Adam’s body, he closes his eyes for a second and catches Ronan’s lower lip between his. the other boy takes a sharp breath and leans in pressing his mouth full against Adam’s, he let go of the smaller boy’s hands to cradle his face between his owns gently, bringing Adam closer, he opens his mouth with a moan when he feels Ronan’s tongue touch his lower lip. Adam’s hands clenches in the fabric of Ronan’s shirt, he feels like his body is on fire, like flames are licking its way through his skin and he is not giving a damn, he would happily let Ronan turn him into ashes if that means he keeps kissing Adam but then Ronan puts back, taking deep breaths.

“Fuck. Fuck. Sorry. I will not do this again.” Ronan starts to pull away.

“Ronan.” Adam whisper breathless.

“Sorry, Adam. Parrish. I’m going.”

“Ronan.” Adam calls again.

“I can’t stay here right now, you can yell at me tomorrow. Not now. This is too much.”

Ronan looks at Adam’s hands still clenched in his shirt.

“Why you can’t let yourself have something you want?” Adam asks quietly.

“’Cause I’m fucking going to destroy you!”

“You are the only thing that always put me together.”

He looks at the smaller one in a loss of words, as if Adam is talking in another language.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know what I felt when you touched me.”

Ronan looks at Adam like he had slapped him.

“I’m fucking dreaming.” He presses the hills of his hands against his eyes

“You’re awake, Ronan.”

“You don’t want me, not out of my dreams.”

“You told me you know when you are dreaming and when you are awake.”

“Yeah, because in the real world you don’t love me back.”

Those words take all the air out of Adam’s lungs. _If he didn’t know how to be wanted how would he even know how to be loved?_ He thinks about the mixtape Ronan dreams for him and the oil to his hands, about Ronan sitting next to him when Persephone died and his rent, Ronan showing with his tie right at his father trial and the way he always made Adam accept things without complaining, thinks about Ronan’s lips against his and the way he wanted to lose himself in Ronan’s hands just a minute before. Adam’s chest is warm and he didn’t know if he wants to cry or laugh.

“And if I do?”

Ronan gives him a sarcastic smile.

“What Parrish, we kissed and you discovered you’re madly in love with me?”

“No, but I discovered that I want to do this again, and again, and again.”

The taller boy doesn’t say anything for a long moment, his eyes searching Adam’s face cautiously. Adam is not breathing, just now when the possibility of Ronan not wanting him is there, that he really understood how much he wants that, how just the thought of not having Ronan in his life was terrifying. A slow smile turned the corners of Ronan’s lips till he was giving Adam the brightest smile Adam has ever seen.

“Jesus, this is fucking cheesy, Parrish.”

“Adam, I want you to call me Adam.”

“Adam.”

Adam takes a step closer, pulling Ronan from his shirt and brushes his lips against Ronan’s.

“Say it again.”

“Adam.”

And Adam kisses him again.

 


End file.
